I’ve been having slumber issues as of late. Not so much in the ‘can’t fall asleep to save my life’ sort of way, but more in the ‘I sleep all night like the dead and slap my alarm clock around for an hour before finally dragging my lazy ass out of bed to scramble to get ready for work in 20 minutes’ kinda way.
It’s not good. I’d like to have a chance to breathe in the morning. Maybe even to knit for a while. Or a brisk walk around Lake Arlington… I pass it every morning on my way to work. Seems like a very nice way to start the day.
I’ve even stopped dreaming. Which sucks, badly. I love the crazy dreams that I have. Used to have. *insert sad sigh*
Maybe I’m just not active enough. Wait… let me rephrase that. I KNOW I’m not active enough. Hell, if it wasn’t for knitting I’d probably never move.
I’ve been looking into a few ways to remedy that. The top one on my list is buying a bike. Like… a ride-it-outside bike. I was originally thinking about buying rollerblades, but I have absolutely NO idea how to use them and every time I’ve tried has ended in muchly of the ankle and lower back pain. I wouldn’t mind owning a stationary bike as well, but have you seen the size of these things! My grandparents used to own a tiny little bike that could fit into a closet. Now these monsters take up half of the damn room!
It’s not just the sleep issue, though that is, of my reasons, the most important and least shallow. Except for when my heart seems to kinda… miss the next lub or dub and I go very rigid and get very scared for a minute as I wonder if I’m going to have a heart attack at 23. That’s a big reason too.
Aside from the health issues… I’m fat. Like… really. It’s very annoying. I always have to have a sweater or loose shirt or something on because I don’t want anyone to see my pudge. And lately when I stand like I usually do (weight mostly on my left foot, right foot up with toe on the floor and yes I did stand up and take the pose before typing it out) I can feel a roll forming on my back.
I’ve always been very comfortable with myself. My looks and my appearance are directly the result of my choices. I don’t blame anyone else for how I look. Though the person who invented Macaroni and Cheese, who was actually Thomas Jefferson, 3rd President of the US if you’d care to know, often gets unhappy thoughts in my mind.
I told myself that if I managed to lose between 30 and 40 pounds by August I’d let myself buy that new costume at the Renaissance Faire that I’ve been coveting for years. Instead I think I’ve gained about 5 pounds since I made that decision. I’m lazy. There’s no way around it. No excuses. Lazy. And my sudden love affair with crunchy Cheetos and Ghirardelli caramel chocolates… NOT HELPING!
I need to make big changes in my life. Like… moving mountains and building bridges kinda changes.
I’m going to be completely honest, with myself and the blogiverse.
I weigh probably around 180 pounds.
I’m 5’ 4”
I’ve gained 50 pounds in 4 years.
It’s not about looks. It’s about health. I want to be healthy. I want to find Kelly again.