March 29, 2006

I'm On A Roll...

I’ve been having slumber issues as of late. Not so much in the ‘can’t fall asleep to save my life’ sort of way, but more in the ‘I sleep all night like the dead and slap my alarm clock around for an hour before finally dragging my lazy ass out of bed to scramble to get ready for work in 20 minutes’ kinda way.

It’s not good. I’d like to have a chance to breathe in the morning. Maybe even to knit for a while. Or a brisk walk around Lake Arlington… I pass it every morning on my way to work. Seems like a very nice way to start the day.

I’ve even stopped dreaming. Which sucks, badly. I love the crazy dreams that I have. Used to have. *insert sad sigh*

Maybe I’m just not active enough. Wait… let me rephrase that. I KNOW I’m not active enough. Hell, if it wasn’t for knitting I’d probably never move.

I’ve been looking into a few ways to remedy that. The top one on my list is buying a bike. Like… a ride-it-outside bike. I was originally thinking about buying rollerblades, but I have absolutely NO idea how to use them and every time I’ve tried has ended in muchly of the ankle and lower back pain. I wouldn’t mind owning a stationary bike as well, but have you seen the size of these things! My grandparents used to own a tiny little bike that could fit into a closet. Now these monsters take up half of the damn room!

It’s not just the sleep issue, though that is, of my reasons, the most important and least shallow. Except for when my heart seems to kinda… miss the next lub or dub and I go very rigid and get very scared for a minute as I wonder if I’m going to have a heart attack at 23. That’s a big reason too.

Aside from the health issues… I’m fat. Like… really. It’s very annoying. I always have to have a sweater or loose shirt or something on because I don’t want anyone to see my pudge. And lately when I stand like I usually do (weight mostly on my left foot, right foot up with toe on the floor and yes I did stand up and take the pose before typing it out) I can feel a roll forming on my back.

I’ve always been very comfortable with myself. My looks and my appearance are directly the result of my choices. I don’t blame anyone else for how I look. Though the person who invented Macaroni and Cheese, who was actually Thomas Jefferson, 3rd President of the US if you’d care to know, often gets unhappy thoughts in my mind.

I told myself that if I managed to lose between 30 and 40 pounds by August I’d let myself buy that new costume at the Renaissance Faire that I’ve been coveting for years. Instead I think I’ve gained about 5 pounds since I made that decision. I’m lazy. There’s no way around it. No excuses. Lazy. And my sudden love affair with crunchy Cheetos and Ghirardelli caramel chocolates… NOT HELPING!

I need to make big changes in my life. Like… moving mountains and building bridges kinda changes.

I’m going to be completely honest, with myself and the blogiverse.

I weigh probably around 180 pounds.

I’m 5’ 4”

I’ve gained 50 pounds in 4 years.

It’s not about looks. It’s about health. I want to be healthy. I want to find Kelly again.


Jennifer said...

Aww! *BIG HUG* The first step is deciding that you want to do something about your weight. The second is harder, and that's ACTUALLY doing the something.
If you have the money, join a gym. Get a personal trainer that will kick your ass and tell you how to use all the machines and eat right. I've been doing that for a week and a half now, and I'm feeling better than I have since... well, since ever. And eat more vegatables, and don't quit sugar cold turkey, because you will get cravings like mad. Slowly wean yourself off tasty chocolates.
I know how you feel. I'm also 5'4, but I weigh about 200 pounds. I decided, for my health, not looks, that this needed to stop.
And about your heart... are you by any chance on any allergy medication? The kind with a decongestant in it? That's what caused my husband to have an irregular heartbeat like you described.
Hang in there Kelly, you're not alone!

Chris said...


I've been there. In grad school, I went over 200 lbs. So there's hope!! :)

I would start out with a good pair of walking shoes and some music on a portable player of some sort. Start slow until your legs and back get used to it, then pick up your pace and distance.

Have you done any cycling? Do you have a friend with a bike you can borrow to see if you like it? I LOVE it, but not everyone does. Regular cycling in the summer does amazing things for reshaping my body - I generally bike 4-6 times/week in the summer, about 16 miles each time.

I don't belong to a gym because I never go - I do better having a home exercise routine. Not everyone does well with that, tho... I just do crunches, "girl" pushups, and some leg lifts and stuff.

Would joining a class help? Something like yoga is a low impact way to increase your mobility and strength...

Ok, this is long enough. But PLEASE EMAIL ME, ok? I think you're fabulously brave and aware to talk about this. :)

Anna-juniorknitwit said...

Sweetie, trust me (I speak from experience) making the choice to change is step 1, and it's the hardest one...

It can be done, (I mean, come on, if I can do it, anyone can!)

It just takes patience, because it won't happen overnight, which is the most frustrating thing about the weight battle (and it is a battle).

You're right, though, it is about your health. Do it for you.

Good luck, sweetie, and anytime you want to talk, you know where to find me!

Love ya lots!


Chris said...

The thing that works for me is portions. Eat what you want, don't fight the craving. Just don't let it go overboard. Out to eat? Cut the amount in half and move it to a to go box or the side of the plate. Need a snack? Just eat as much as will fit in a bowl.

Good luck.

mrspao said...

Thank you so much for being brave enough to write about this. I also need to lose some weight as I have put on a lot over the last few years and I don't like it either. I have decided to cut down on fatty things and become more creative in cooking vegetables. I'm also going for more walks - just to get out in the fresh air and start slowly. I am thinking of you! Feel free to email me and maybe we can egg each other on.

Peevish said...

Oh, hang in there sweetie! I'm going through exactly the same thing - maybe we can have a noncompetitive loseweightalong? Anyone care to join?

Lynne said...

I've followed the link from peevish. I feel a bit rude cos I haven't visited before and I don't have a weight problem, though at my current rate of eating chocolate biscuits I might be working on it ;-) and here I am dishing out advice that works for me.
If you can afford it, go see your doctor. Get yourself checked out, make sure there are no problems. Chris has good advice - if you can, start walking more. Build up your exercise level slowly so that you can walk further and further. If you commute, see if you can walk from one stop further away (hard in winter!). If you tend to say "hey, the packet's open, I may as well eat all the cookies" you might need to learn to stop at one or two. With exercise and portion control (hate that phrase) you should see things change.
And remember guys like girls with curves. And being curvy is not a problem as long as you are fit.