July 19, 2006

In Memoraim

The Aquatic World reeled late last night at the unexpected loss of two influential members of the community.

Buddha Belly and The Kraken both died last night due to tank complications caused by a 27 hour power outage.

Surviving tank mates Fat and Sassy and My Precious could not be reached for comment, but were seen swimming close together, struggling through their sorrow.

In accordance with Aquatic tradition there was no wake preceding the funeral, but that did not stop fish and marine mammals from all around the world from attending the final services. Aqua-historians are comparing the crowds in attendance to those who flooded to see Poseidon’s wedding several years ago. This reporter had the honor of being the only press permitted to attend.

Excitement reached a peak when media superstars Spongebob Squarepants and Dory the fish arrived to pay their last respects. Your reporter restrained the temptation to ask if their arrival together confirmed rumors of a romantic relationship, though they were witnessed arriving and leaving hand in fin. After saying his goodbyes Spongebob was good enough to offer a statement.

“They were good fish. Damn good fish. Buddha Belly was the one who got me into acting. I never thought anyone would want to watch a square sponge with a high voice running around but ole BB wouldn’t let up. I went to the audition and the rest is history. As for The Kraken, he kept me level. Didn’t let success go to my head and when it did he slapped me around until I deflated a bit. Organized the intervention when I started abusing sea-weed. Saved my life and my career.”

Other stars in attendance were Shamu the killer whale and Jaws the Shark, both of whom credit their rise to fame to Buddha Belly’s support and encouragement.

“He was always there for you. At the slightest hint that you needed someone he would drop everything and swim halfway around the world just to have a cup of coffee with you. One in a million, that’s what he was.” Jaws was quoted as saying, dabbing tears from his eyes. “Finest fish in the sea.”

Tensions ran high at the arrival of Moby Dick, long time enemy of The Kraken who was often quoted as promising to dance for joy at his funeral. Security was brought in, in case the white whale got out of control, but the large leviathan silently cried over the porcelain casket before making a statement.

“You just never think it’ll end this way… you hold a grudge but you never really think it’ll last to the grave. I’ve written letters, of course, but I never had the nerve to send them.”

Your humble reporter was then honored to be the only press who has ever been told the cause of the mysterious grudge the two held against each other.

“I was in love. Hell, I was young and stupid and we both had hot tempers. He didn’t approve of her, said she was a redheaded tart and that no respectable mermaid would swim around in nothing but a pair of purple shells. When I proposed to her he refused to attend the wedding. Said he wouldn’t watch as I ruined my life. She left me at the altar, took everything, broke me heart and ran off on a new pair of skinny legs, chasing a prince. I beached myself, I couldn’t go on, but he pulled me back into the water and forced me to keep going. Never forgave him for that.” Shortly after giving this powerful statement Moby was seen being consoled by Shamu.

Senior fish keeper Kelly presided over the closing ceremonies. While unwilling to give a statement, she was witnessed fighting back tears as she gave the last rites. Though neither fish was devoutly religious, the traditional Aquatic prayer was said over the casket before their burial at sea.

Bubbles to Bubbles
Flush to Flush

1 comment:

Chris said...

Poor fishies.