May 05, 2007

Spiderman 3 Has It All!!!

  • The Harlequin Romance Novel-esque subplot of "Break up with your man so that I can kill him while he's broken hearted, or I'll kill him!"
  • A thrilling dialog that is reminiscent of Dickens Tennyson Austin a Jane and Dick book.
  • The villain who isn't a villain, just a desperate guy trying to make things right with his family, who has turned to crime and committed horrible wrongs but redeems himself in the end so it's ok that he killed people cause he's sorry.
  • 75% CGI (Just in case you don't like, you know, people in your movies.)
  • A FANTASTIC dance number by Peter Parker. (Seriously, I'm not making this crap up)
  • The overdone, overused "Face your inner demons, revenge is bad, hug your neighbor and can't we all just be friends?" message throughout the whole movie.
  • A cameo by Stan Lee (Cause the inventor of Spiderman just HAD to have a cameo eventually)
  • An evil twin.
  • Amnesia.
  • Badly overdubbed musical number at the start of the movie. Repeated in the end, just to add to the pain.
  • Donald Trump's hairstyle has a fairly large role.
  • That dorky guy from That 70's Show. (And he plays a VILLAIN! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!)
  • Enough shaky camera work to make The Blair Witch Project look like it was shot by a steady hand. (Seriously, if you suffer from motion sickness, DON'T go see this movie.)
  • A lame, cradled in the arms of his dearest friends, grand revelation death scene. Complete with the half-finished statement, sigh, eyes shut and head turns slowly to the side.
  • AFTER throwing himself upon the proverbial sword, too.
  • A villain made of sand. SAND! (Well, I get cranky too when I have sand in my shoes... I guess, if left untreated, I could possibly become a homicidal maniac.)
  • A cheesy ending that really needed the "And they lived happily ever after... The End." written across the screen in that really flowery script.

Oh yeah... it had it all. And when I left.....

I had a headache.

5 comments:

Amy said...

Yeah...big disappointment for the kickoff to the big summer blockbuster season, wasn't it? I thought if they had any more closeups with people's eyes full of tears, I was going to have to run out screaming...too many bad memories of Michael Landon in Little House on the Prairie.

Karen said...

Apologies to any Spinderman lovers reading this comment.

The movie sounds downright Craptacular!

Peter Parker does a dance number?

WTF?

Waiting with baited breath for THE blockbuster of the summer HP5!

Chris said...

Thanks for the warning, since I nearly horked up during Blair Witch...

Hee hee - I was out and about in my neighborhood yesterday and a couple walked by right after seeing Spidey3. The woman was ranting about how unrealistic the movie was. Um, and the concept of Spidey is realistic how?!

Samantha said...

I've only ever watched it for Tobey...

Peevish said...

Wow, that sounds like a whole lotta cheese packed into one movie!