Going to college has been a huge adjustment for me. Bigger than I had originally expected. I've been to school before, but not like this. I went to class, went home to my family, worked in the same job I'd had for years. There was no change except homework. But this... this is so different.
Two weeks ago Friday I spent well over an hour on the phone with my mom in tears because I was so... not me. I was lonely and homesick, worried about starting a new job, about paying my bills, about my loans getting sorted out again. Everything seemed to be pressing in on me, on all sides. I couldn't breathe, I wanted to cry all the time, but worse than that... I wanted to quit. To go home. To go back to where things were comfortable and familiar and where I could return to that familiar rut I'd made for myself. Work. Home. TV. Bed. Lather, rinse and repeat.
My mom pointed out the real problem in that way that only moms can. I'd lost myself somewhere along the way. I'd lost my confidence, my calmness, my comfort with myself, my humor, my knitting, my everything. I was so worried about becoming the new Kelly, the college student Kelly, that I forgot who Kelly was to begin with.
I've been working on it since then. Meditating every night, knitting, reading comforting and familiar books, letting myself laugh. I still feel homesick, but I think that's actually a good thing. Because I love my family and if I didn't miss them... that would be bad. But I'm not lonely anymore and I certainly don't want to quit and go home.
I'm me again.
I missed me.