*While packaging up some tile samples for architect approval*
Me: Wow, these tiles are ass ugly.
Male Co-Worker: Yeah, they’re pretty bad. Sort of a puked up avocado green… they’re pretty retro though.
Me: We call it retro because it’s old, ugly and past its time… Of course I’m sure you can remember when it was the height of fashion.
*while gossiping with other female co-worker about pointless stuff*
Big Boss Man: Wow, secret meetings. What’s all this about?
Mary: Oh nothing really.
Me: We’re just plotting our hostile take over of the company.
BBM: Hell you don’t need to do that, I’ll give you the keys.
*hearing that my being sick last week got 2 other people in the office sick*
Me: Well you know I’m really working for a competitor of yours. Bringing the company down from the inside. Muhahahaha!
Other Big Boss Man: *standing right behind me while I’m acting like an ass* Always good to know…
Some days it amazes me that I haven’t been fired yet.