School looms ever closer. On Friday I put $300 down payment on campus housing. I won't hear back on my living quarters until July. In 3 weeks I'll be meeting with advisors. Class schedules have been arranged but can't be confirmed until my advising meeting. My FAFSA is waiting to be reviewed. In 148 days school starts. Everything is hurry up and wait. And my left eye has developed an annoying twitch from all the stress.
Along with all of the fear of IF and WHEN and WHAT and MIGHT, there's the fear of whether or not I'm making a mistake. I'm leaving a good job to chase my dream. Leaving the solid ground of the life I've made for myself over the past 2 years and moving 5 and a half hours away from my family. Turning my back on a steady paycheck and putting my trust in my own intelligence to get me through this. To get me through a bachelor's, master's and finally a PhD. Believing that I do have it in me to teach, to educate others on a subject that I love. Trusting my dreams. Trusting in myself.
I think that these 2 years were important for me. I needed them. I needed to leave Osco and find a place that treated me like I was worth something. I needed to move away from my family and grow closer to them. I needed to face my past and rescue myself from being lost there. I needed to learn to look in the mirror and like what I saw. I needed a lot and I don't think that, without these past 2 years of growing and healing and learning, I would have made it through school.
I'm grateful for the 2 years I've had to grow. But I'm ready.
Dreams... the chase is on.